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2:54 AM-brownies in the oven

I once had someone tell me if I was really craving chocolate, but was really trying not to eat it, to make a batch of brownies.  And, if by the time i stirred the batter, baked them, and they cooled off; if i was still craving to dig in.  Well, they are out of the oven, but the smell has made me a little nauseous. I guess that’s the good part. 

Awake still, and a little tired of watching “Modern Family” re runs.  Although i have laughed a lot, which I LOVE to do.  Even if I am alone with my dogs.  They only occasionally look at me like I have lost my marbles.  I am sorry, but that show is hilarious!  How can someone NOT laugh at that show?

On a non laughing matter, on the BIG SCREEN, I went to the movie last night.  I am thrilled to be able to go and use the closed caption fish devise they have.  Luckily, they don’t have the “glasses” at this theater (prior blog).  But, saw AUGUST:OSAGE COUNTY.  Now, I did laugh.  There were some really funny parts, and great lines.  I think from a screen play adaptation, they probably did a mighty fine job on this movie.  Of course Meryl Streep was phenomenal.  As was everyone, I thought.  However, this movie certainly brought up family dynamic issues.  Especially if you have personally experienced anything close to that type of situation.  And, I am beginning to believe we all have.  I actually gasped at the first scene with Meryl Streep and the grey, chemo hair, and her drugged out self.  She looked way to similar to my sister, who at the age of 53 was dying and was, well in a very drugged out state as well.  In fact, the “list” of her prescription drugs her husband verbalized all sounded quite familiar.  It hasn’t been quite 3 years, so that got the emotions rolling right from the beginning.  

Factor in the 3 sisters “dynamics” and I felt like “WOW, this could have been me and my 2 sisters” at pretty much any given time. Or, at least up to almost 3 years ago.  It was a moving flick.  Seeing it with two of my oldest and dearest friends, and being able to laugh and cry in a nearly empty theater stadium made it perfect. 

Well, here in TX we are being told to anticipate a snow sleet early morning.  It is now after 3 AM, but temps are still in the 40′s.  Our weather forecasters here get it wrong most of the time.  I guess i can open the windows to let this smell out of the house.  Damn brownies!

Quote

Are you living in the now?

For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
— Alfred D. Souza

1:55 AM-on the deaf subject

I just read up on Derrick Coleman, and I must say I am quite impressed.  I am deaf.  I have bi lateral cochlear implants, that were activated 2 years ago exactly.  The journey has been stressful, frustrating, lonely, happy, funny, and exhausting.  What I love about Derrick, is he hasn’t allowed his hearing disability to define him.  HE IS GOING TO BE IN THE SUPERBOWL!  GO DERRICK!

It is HARD to be deaf in a hearing persons world.  But, LIFE is fucking hard sometimes!  I can throw a really damn good pity party, but in all honesty I am better off than many “hearing” people.  I worked for years in counseling, and MOST of the time, people didn’t know i was severely hearing impaired unless I told them.  I adjusted by reading body language, lip reading, and pretending a lot! (LOL).  When my hearing suddenly worsened, and I just couldn’t fake it anymore, it did begin to affect my life.  One tends to socialize less and avoid loud places-which cuts out lots of restaurants.  And, i don’t know about other “hard of hearing” people, but when i still had my hearing, i tended to “like” people with loud voices better than those with soft voices!  I found myself making a judgment call based on voice pattern and tone! 

But, guess what?  Getting cochlear implants did NOT make or break my life. I traded in any residual hearing I had for zero.  So, for all the technicality and deaf culture issues and debtate over the cochlear shit, I AM DEAF.  When i do not have them attached to my skull by their magnetic force, i can not HEAR a thing.  Not my own voice.  Not my own heart beat. Not a cry for help, Nor a barking dog warning me of danger. 

When talking on the phone is not an option, one tends to feel very blessed for the great invention of “texting”.  It truly does become  a main communication source.  Closed Captioning makes or breaks watching something on TV.  And slapping those magnetic, magic and heavy implants on your skull every day, can be a pain in the ass.  It is not just about putting on a pair of glasses.  You gotta charge the batteries every night, attach the batteries, before placing the cochlears on.Deal with throbbing skull points from magnets on your brain.  There are “mapping” issues, and remote issues, and noise issues, and some sounds are just always going to now just be noise.  Nothing more; Nothing less.  The artificial sounds and extra stimulation that hearing people learn to “tune out” are amplified and extreme when one has cochlear attached.  But, guess what?  When i am on a plane, and a screaming baby is next to me, i pop my magnets off, and I hear NOTHING.  Pretty nice, huh?  When the TV is so loud and I am the only once cringing, I pop those babies off, and bask in the quiet.  Why bitch about a loud TV?

Life is not right nor wrong.  Not Good or Bad.  I can choose to make it my enemy or make it my Bitch.  And, on some days, I am THE Bitch.  The End.

Closed Caption Glasses at THE THEATRE

As my blog duly notes, I am deaf.  I am a bi lateral cochlear recipient.  This month, is my 2 year activation date.  It has been a rewarding struggle.  Going to the movies, has basically been non existent for at least 8 years.  I tried to go, but lip reading through a whole movie is simply exhausting!  About 2 months ago, a friend and I went to AMC.  They did not have the glasses, but they had the caption fish gadget that sits in the beverage holder, and streams out the caption.  The movie sucked, but the caption gadget was GREAT.  I was just so excited to actually GO TO THE MOVIES!

On New Years Eve, my husband and best friend attended a cinema in New Orleans.  They touted having the Caption Glasses!  Game ON.   We saw a FANTASTIC movie (Wolf on Wall Street).  They had the GLASSES.  I thought, WOW this is going to be AWESOME.  I was WRONG.  The glasses stream out a neon GREEN caption (instead of white).  Depending on how you have your head, the caption could stream across the screen, and blend in with the scenery, or I guess if you hold your head perfectly (which i achieved at sporadic moments) it projects above the actual movie screen.  I had a HEADACHE from trying to hold my head the correct way, the weight of the glasses, the NEON GREEN (SERIOUSLY?), and straining to see the screen without my distance glasses.  There is no comfortable way ( I could be wrong) to wear these, have them sit approximately the same place as the cochlear ear piece sits, AND wear prescription glasses to see.

I don’t get it.  WHO TESTED these glasses out for deaf people before selling them to theaters?  Is it like so many other “inventions”, those that use them aren’t consulted?  I seriously don’t get it.  I am sure these glasses are EXPENSIVE.  Give me the AMC system any day over the glasses.

ALL THAT said, KUDOS to finally getting a devise in place that the deaf community can at least go to the movies!  PRAISES be to the multitude of companies that have decided to help a large number of consumers, that although deaf do have money to spend,  AND are willing to spend if we can “hear” the damn movie!

I do hope GOOGLE GLASS, can learn form SONY’S design flaws, and perhaps actually use deaf persons in testing them, for accurate and honest feedback.  One could only hope this to be a logical outcome.  I thoroughly enjoyed my 2014 New Years Eve-design flaws and all.  The movie was spectacular.  I could have done without the neon green glare of caption.  BUT…I saw and “heard” a movie for the most part!

2:37 AM

at 2:37 am on 1/23/14, I realize it’s the first post to this blog in awhile. Actually, until my discover card statement came in the mail, and the renewal was on there, I had somewhat forgotten about word press.  Abandoned along with my book writing as well.  Lost but not forgotten entirely.  I could hate on myself, but why start the day off that way?  

Sleeplessness. How I hate that twitchy lay in bed restlessness. I have been on an experiment about not getting up, and trying really hard to fall asleep.  Eye mask,breathing, counting, praying, reciting, chanting, waiting, exhaling….Tonight (last night), I just couldn’t lay there any longer.  So, now Tina is cuddled up aside my lap, happy I am my usual insomniac self.  At least the dog benefits.

I have been thinking of my mom and sister frequently again.  Maybe the two-year mark of my near death experience.  Perhaps it just being January.  This month marked 13 years since mom has been gone, and January 3 years ago was Norma’s beginning of the end.  I have had so many dreams lately, and visits from her.  It’s hard not to think about.

However, at almost 3 am, and an early morning ahead, I don’t have the luxury to delve to deep on the subject matter.  Perhaps simple acknowledgment will suffice.  I honor the memories, the visualizations, the love, and the fact that I miss them both terribly.  I acknowledge that I still have thoughts of ” why didn’t I get to stay”? I mean, I KNOW….and yet, I don’t always like it.  It’s not morose. It’s just honest.

Alright, Tina.  It was a nice 2-hour snuggle session, but I need to get lateral and try my breathing and other pre sleep rituals.  See ya in the funnies!

Quote

When a man sits…

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute – and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein

 

rel·a·tiv·i·ty

noun \ˌre-lə-ˈti-və-tē\

physics : a theory developed by Albert Einstein which says that the way that anything except light moves through time and space depends on the position and movement of someone who is watching

Cultural relativism is a concept that refers to the fact that what is regarded as true, valued, or expected in one social system may not be so in another. It is important for several reasons, the most important being that if we are more aware of cultural relativism, we tend to be less blind and arrogant in relation to other societies and less rigid in evaluating the idea of changing our own.

I seem to be much like my mother and my sister: we have always enjoyed (like so many others) trying to figure out PEOPLE… where they just came from, where they are going in such a hurry. Why it’s taking them so long to get there? What makes them crazy? What makes them laugh? What moves them, what their past is? What their future will be? Are they married, separated, do they have kids? What do they do? Do they do it well? What were they thinking when they got up this morning ? When they put that outfit on did they REALLY think they looked good?  Did they even care?  WHY would they dress like that? And so on..Judgmental? Curious? Bored? It’s all relative, right?

I also like to imagine people past and present. What really goes on behind the scenes? What isn’t revealed but clearly is happening? I have no idea if what I imagine is true, I just know it’s fun imagining.  I say ” this is the story I tell myself”. 

I wonder if Einstein was having all those psychological exchanges with his wives to all hours of the morning? It would make sense if you looked at his hair; he clearly wasn’t getting a lot of sleep. (is that where “bad hair day was coined?) I think not.  But, I find the older I get, the less i really care how my hair may look on any given day.  Some-days, I happen to glance in the rear view mirror while driving, and (a) am either shocked or (b) think to myself, “well, that’s not too bad today.  But, back to relativity….There’s the scientific Theory of Relativity (E=mc2) of course, then there’s the philosophical/ontological Theory of Relativity. Where everything is relative. Einstein liked being married; he did it twice.  (me too- although i didn’t like marriage #1 and I stayed way too long in marriage #2)   Now in my mental meanderings, I think Einstein was equally fascinated with human relationships and all things relationship as much as his scientific fascination.

So, most of Einstein’s thinking got mined from relationships – those long nights of screaming of what’s relevant/relative/. Newton couldn’t have discovered relativity; he was never married. You can’t get E=mc2 just by being a good uncle.

Einstein knew the power of the “Appropriate Relationship.”

The ontological Theory of Relativity was the understanding of how we are relative to one another. Sun too close you burn up, too far away you freeze to death. All development/progress depends on having “Appropriate Relationships”. This same theory applies to human closeness and relativity as well, in my way of thinking.  Think about it.

And appropriate relationship does not mean culturally appropriate or socially dictated appropriate relationships. It means there’s a certain rightness – a physics to what works.

Just like “close talkers” always have bad breath. They don’t get the appropriate space between two individuals. So understanding your own relativeness, your own relevance, your very specific contribution, was Einstein’s desire for Humanity. Rather than being comparative and complaining about what you are not, you discover how you are relative to the world.

 

 

 

Daily affirmations

“Though life is complicated, it’s only what you make it to be” -tupac shakur

“If you can make it through the night, there’s a brighter day” -tupac shakur

“If you fall stand tall and come back for more” -tupac shakur

“But please dry your eyes never let up, forgive but don’t forget girl keep your head up, and when he tells you, you ain’t nothing don’t believe em, an if he can’t learn to love you, you should leave em” -tupac shakur

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