This is about parenting an addict- so, if you have that experience, you know “what call” I refer to. It seems that most of 2014 was spent anticipating “that call”, praying for the best-preparing for the worst, lovingly detaching as a means of self preservation, going to more of my own meetings, loving the person not the disease, and all the other usual addiction jargon.
My son (as mentioned before) is 31. He was addicted to crack by the time he was 16. He also had a dual diagnosis, so it made it just as difficult to tell if he was psychotic or had relapsed. He is a master at manipulation. He can charm you, out sell you, and talks so fast and so convincingly that most people will be swayed. I still want to believe him.
I got a call on Christmas night. One of only three directly from him. The rest came as “news updates” from a girlfriend. He told me he was sober, and was really trying. He wants to prove to himself and to me that he can be all that GOD meant for him to be, as well as a son I could be proud of. I let him do most of the talking, and for the next 3 weeks I have been updated to the trials and tribulations that he is facing in sobriety. The biggest obstacle is finding housing since he was in jail so many times for possession. He has always been lucky that way. Seems to find the revolving door in jail. Doesn’t seem so lucky in every day life.
I truly want him to find the serenity and peacefulness of sobriety. I want him to have some “good luck” and for things to get easier somewhere along his path. But, I can’t make it happen. And, money only solves money problems. It’s a fine line in believing and trusting him again. I got a text yesterday that he was in the E.R after having a headache so severe the last 3 days he couldn’t tolerate it anymore. I thanked for girlfriend for keeping me posted, and asked her to update me. Haven’t heard a word. Just prior to the hospital, he had sounded positive and upbeat, and thought they may be approved to live somewhere other than Motel 6. And, then off the radar. Again. I am left wondering and waiting.
It is sad. It is heartbreaking at times. We “understand” death through dying. But, when we lose people that are still alive because of drugs, it is a slow, painful, death to endure. I have to focus on the good memories, and I am grateful for the ones I have. If I focus on my daughter also losing her brother, and her sadness, that often makes the grieving harder. To know how much my son has missed out on in everyone’s life, especially the past 2-3 years combined.
Pray. Listen. Quiet.Repeat.