Monthly Archives: January 2013
A mere dream in 1997, has become our reality. After a first visit to New Orleans, and spending much time here over the last 16 years, we have finally purchased a home. It is moving week, from the house we leased for a year to be sure we liked it here as much as we thought.
Living in the residential area of the F.Q is fantastic. I love being able to just walk everywhere. I love seeing the local people walking their dog. It is even funny to watch the way too drunk person run into poles, as i peer from my balcony.
But, it is a life change, and brings with it fear of changes. While we will still keep our house in TX as well, and split our time. “My Life”, “My Friends”, are all in TX. And, yet while here my creativity surges. I feel alive, free-spirited, less responsible, almost a little guilty.
i am reminded of a favorite quote
|All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis|
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me. ~Author unknown, variation of an excerpt from “The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Neibuhr
I am a big believer in the true & complete version of the serenity prayer. When my 14-year-old son was reeling out of control from advanced drug use, there were nights the only way I could fall asleep was to repetitively say this out-loud. When morning came,Ii gave my thanks that one or both of us was still alive.
I heard this other version at a 12 step meeting one day, and of course we all laughed. But, as you work on your own recovery, and it doesn’t matter if it is AA, Al Anon, OA, GA, SA….the truth is the same. All change begins with me.
My son has a dual diagnosis, and now at the age of 29 it is still hard to know at times when love is love, when it is easier to enable him, or am I detaching with love. My sister was an addict from about the age of 12. Of course, back in the 70’s, no one knew what that was, or that incest could be the culprit. We watched her function many years as an addict, until she couldn’t anymore. I lived in the same state, so although I was the “baby sister”, I never was the baby in our family of origins. I watched her life slip away year by year, until the last 12 months of her life became unbearable. By that time she had 10++ years sober, but her health was so bad, and she was addicted to her pain pills. I felt like once again, I was paying her bills, buying her groceries, driving her to Dr. appointment, and watching her suffer. The difference this time was she was not on crack. She was on pain patches and pain pills and had an apartment to live in (barely). The good thing by this time, I had over 12++ years invested in recovery as well. I could separate the disease from the person (most days).
The last 4 days of my sister’s life in April 2011, were perhaps the best 4 days of our entire lives. I smoked with her (this put me into smoker status), drank coffee, ate M&M’s. Walked her dog, pushed her in her wheelchair. And accepted her choice of the end of her journey. It was the most peaceful and serene I had witnessed her being in such a long time. I could never change her. I tried for so long. I wanted a better life for her, that wasn’t up to me to decide, it just left her feeling judged and not good enough. I miss her quirky laugh, and her strange sense of humor. I would not change those last 4 days for anything. I finally changed.
Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
I read this, and relate. It is life. Every person has a story. I love listening to people, and amazed at what so many have triumphed through, sad for those that live like the walking dead, and yet can understand how and why that can happen.
I afraid of loving too much & losing myself. I love laughter. I love random acts of kindness. I love the sound of people talking with passion. I too, like all, have lost something and too many someones. I have lost body parts to cancer, i have lost family and friends and strangers to drug over doses. I have lost friends to breast cancer. I have lost touch with friends due to my deafness, depression, lives becoming too entangled in meaningless things. And, yet this quote does not embrace all that is gained in each breath. The kindness of people. That is the bottom line. Be Kind. We never know what someone else may be struggling with.
In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love. ~Diego Marchi
I attended a meditation workshop led by Father Bill W. He built this workshop based more on his experience and studies of The Oxford Group than the founders of AA and the twelve steps. I learned many things I did not know. One being that back in the Oxford Group days, they said without prayer and meditation one could not stay sober. Over the years the change in meaning was more implied that without meetings, one could not stay sober. The results prove otherwise.
We were walked through an exciting concept to incorporate into our lives regarding our meditation practice. One that requires a little more commitment, a little more time, but seems to yield some amazing insight. To hold a sacred spot for this time, to center with my breath, to read a scripture or other reading material that I find inspiring. And, then to WRITE to my higher power (I choose to call GOD) a question, a worry, a concern, guidance. And to sit and listen for HIS VOICE to answer. How will I know if it is HIS voice or my own? If it is pure, honest, loving, and authentic. I will have an answer. What if i don’t know? Write what my mind says to write. To commit. To DO. 30 days. And to have a buddy or a small group that I share my writings and answers with. Personal Risk Taking at its best. What a gift to receive information like this. Another tool I can use to center, to stay balanced, to work my program, to be a better person, to fulfill my goal of being of service to others. Just for Today.
We have all heard the “Fuck everything and RUN” or the “False Events Appearing Real” for the word FEAR. What is your first impulse to migrate to when you are in FEAR MODE? And what are your triggers for FEAR?
I am having my old pattern behavior toward this, which happens to be the first. I know that it is my old stinky thinking, and yet there is a WARNING light that flashes in my head ad says “Self, perhaps you should listen to this”. I am BIG on intuition. But, this feels more like just real FEAR. I am going to focus on prayer and meditation about it, because I know when doing so, if my answers are Pure and HONEST, i can use that. Rationalizations on the other hand are just signs that my EGO is in self protect mode, and why get deeper into anything. Get out NOW. Stay tuned, or feel free to post any comments on how you deal with FEAR IN YOUR LIFE.