Tag Archives: journey

The Quality of the Journey

Today’s assignment asks: who are you and why are you here….

I am a woman exploring my shadows.  I have always felt somewhat destined to “write”, and have usually sabotaged myself, or put it on the back burner, for reasons I no longer remember.  I am a survivor, a friend, a sister, a mother, a wife, and usually a good person. (I will save the dark side for another blog).  I have a lot of life experience in a variety of things.  I am compassionate, but can be a hard-ass.  I am loyal, and understanding.  I am stubborn.  I realize daily there is still so much more to learn and grasp.

I hope to learn from the BLOG 101 series the better way to blog and share, and post and tag and gain followers.  I tend to write about life in the world of addiction, manic-depressive issues, honesty, my dogs, friends, lack of understanding something, deaf issues,living next door to my mother-n-law, or other small irritating things.  But, I also like to motivate, and write about gratitude.  I like to pass on “just read books” that I think are great.

I am choosing life.  And, in doing so I am fulfilling some passions, and finding new ones.  I think this might be one of them!

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1:55 AM-on the deaf subject

I just read up on Derrick Coleman, and I must say I am quite impressed.  I am deaf.  I have bi lateral cochlear implants, that were activated 2 years ago exactly.  The journey has been stressful, frustrating, lonely, happy, funny, and exhausting.  What I love about Derrick, is he hasn’t allowed his hearing disability to define him.  HE IS GOING TO BE IN THE SUPERBOWL!  GO DERRICK!

It is HARD to be deaf in a hearing persons world.  But, LIFE is fucking hard sometimes!  I can throw a really damn good pity party, but in all honesty I am better off than many “hearing” people.  I worked for years in counseling, and MOST of the time, people didn’t know i was severely hearing impaired unless I told them.  I adjusted by reading body language, lip reading, and pretending a lot! (LOL).  When my hearing suddenly worsened, and I just couldn’t fake it anymore, it did begin to affect my life.  One tends to socialize less and avoid loud places-which cuts out lots of restaurants.  And, i don’t know about other “hard of hearing” people, but when i still had my hearing, i tended to “like” people with loud voices better than those with soft voices!  I found myself making a judgment call based on voice pattern and tone! 

But, guess what?  Getting cochlear implants did NOT make or break my life. I traded in any residual hearing I had for zero.  So, for all the technicality and deaf culture issues and debtate over the cochlear shit, I AM DEAF.  When i do not have them attached to my skull by their magnetic force, i can not HEAR a thing.  Not my own voice.  Not my own heart beat. Not a cry for help, Nor a barking dog warning me of danger. 

When talking on the phone is not an option, one tends to feel very blessed for the great invention of “texting”.  It truly does become  a main communication source.  Closed Captioning makes or breaks watching something on TV.  And slapping those magnetic, magic and heavy implants on your skull every day, can be a pain in the ass.  It is not just about putting on a pair of glasses.  You gotta charge the batteries every night, attach the batteries, before placing the cochlears on.Deal with throbbing skull points from magnets on your brain.  There are “mapping” issues, and remote issues, and noise issues, and some sounds are just always going to now just be noise.  Nothing more; Nothing less.  The artificial sounds and extra stimulation that hearing people learn to “tune out” are amplified and extreme when one has cochlear attached.  But, guess what?  When i am on a plane, and a screaming baby is next to me, i pop my magnets off, and I hear NOTHING.  Pretty nice, huh?  When the TV is so loud and I am the only once cringing, I pop those babies off, and bask in the quiet.  Why bitch about a loud TV?

Life is not right nor wrong.  Not Good or Bad.  I can choose to make it my enemy or make it my Bitch.  And, on some days, I am THE Bitch.  The End.

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3 A.M

I found my joy again.  A simple meditation, asking GOD to reveal to me why I was stuck, taking two steps forward, 3 steps back, STUCK.  Sure, i have had reasonable excuses…health issues, overcoming obstacles that felt like cement bridges.  But, at the end of the day, when I listened for that answer the voice whispered “you have lost your joy”.  I knew it to be true.  So, i went to work.  I identified the words for me that I associate with JOY.  They are words, and as simple as they seem, I certainly had lost them.  Gave up.  Allowed depression to be a crutch.  Allowed health issues to be an obstacle.  What wasted time!  So, for the past 5++ weeks now I have refocused.  I have turned my attention to JOY.  Finding JOY, listening for JOY, Seeking JOY, determined not to lose it again, or allow it to be slowly sucked from my being.  It takes mindfulness still.  But if I continue to seek energy, creativity, awareness, being playful, enjoying or cultivate laughter, nurturing friendships, dare to be daring, feeling or being amused, or fascinated, being outdoors, working in the yard, pulling weeds,  or being sexy…..All things that bring me joy. 

And, i have put this to the test.  I have been able to endure more aggravation, or problems of others, and still remain joyful. 

I am grateful for the whisper to my answer.  Perhaps you would like to comment if this helps you or if you have had a similar experience?  Comments welcome! 

 

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Quote…gotta love it.

Actually, it is on a dish towel I bought in New Orleans this past trip.

” Here in the South, we don’t HIDE CRAZY. We parade it around on the porch and give it a cocktail.  And second, (which happens to be my life philosophy) life’s journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “Holy Cow, ” what a ride!”

 

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Filed under Living In New Orleans, Quotes and Conversation

Dream Quote 2

Horses

Horses (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

 

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man’s mind can get both provocation and privacy.  ~Edward P. Morgan

 

 

 

Dreams are a big part of my life.  In large part, because I do not sleep much due to a condition called musical hallucinations.  So, it creates an abundance of stress, and actions on my part to distract myself as much as possible so the music in my brain does not totally drive me crazy…or crazier.  So, when i AM able to sleep and to dream, it is wonderful.  I have always loved dream interpretation  and lucid dreams,, and writing down my dreams.  Many, Many times, my dreams are a premonition of something soon to happen.  I have visitors when I dream at times, and have learned to welcome the knowledge I gain through dreams.   I love the exhilaration of power when we believe in ourselves enough to know we can make our dreams come true.  I believed enough that “one day” i would own a Horse.  Everyone was “yeah, they are too expensive, too much upkeep, blah, blah blah”,For far too many years, I gave up on my dream and listened to others fears.  Until one day I chose to listen to my dream.   Last year, i attended a habitat for horses and adopted my first horse ever.  I was 48.  I spent 4-5 days easily out at the stable for 4++ hours at a time.  I was in pure selfish heaven.  I saved this horse, learned about her, and built our trust.  She has been a treasure in my life, but has turned out to be a reason or a season dream.  I must relinquish her in part to some health issues.  It has been devastating.  But the blessing was the time I had her, our lessons we learned together on the trail, and to carry out a dream.  Happy trails.

 

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