Tag Archives: letting go

Waiting on ” That Call”

This is about parenting an addict- so, if you have that experience, you know “what call” I refer to.  It seems that most of 2014 was spent anticipating “that call”, praying for the best-preparing for the worst, lovingly detaching as a means of self preservation, going to more of my own meetings, loving the person not the disease, and all the other usual addiction jargon.

My son (as mentioned before) is 31.  He was addicted to crack by the time he was 16.  He also had a dual diagnosis, so it made it just as difficult to tell if he was psychotic or had relapsed.  He is a master at manipulation.  He can charm you, out sell you, and talks so fast and so convincingly that most people will be swayed.  I still want to believe him.

I got a call on Christmas night.  One of only three directly from him.  The rest came as “news updates” from a girlfriend.  He told me he was sober, and was really trying.  He wants to prove to himself and to me that he can be all that GOD meant for him to be, as well as a son I could be proud of.  I let him do most of the talking, and for the next 3 weeks I have been updated to the trials and tribulations that he is facing in sobriety.  The biggest obstacle is finding housing since he was in jail so many times for possession.  He has always been lucky that way.  Seems to find the revolving door in jail.  Doesn’t seem so lucky in every day life.

I truly want him to find the serenity and peacefulness of sobriety.  I want him to have some “good luck” and for things to get easier somewhere along his path.  But, I can’t make it happen.  And, money only solves money problems.  It’s a fine line in believing and trusting him again.  I got a text yesterday that he was in the E.R after having a headache so severe the last 3 days he couldn’t tolerate it anymore.  I thanked for girlfriend for keeping me posted, and asked her to update me.  Haven’t heard a word.  Just prior to the hospital, he had sounded positive and upbeat, and thought they may be approved to live somewhere other than Motel 6.  And, then off the radar.  Again.  I am left wondering and waiting.

It is sad.  It is heartbreaking at times.  We “understand” death through dying.  But, when we lose people that are still alive because of drugs, it is a slow, painful, death to endure.  I have to focus on the good memories, and I am grateful for the ones I have.  If I focus on my daughter also losing her brother, and her sadness, that often makes the grieving harder.  To know how much my son has missed out on in everyone’s life, especially the past 2-3 years combined.

Pray. Listen. Quiet.Repeat.

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Filed under addiction, parenting

Control vs Controlling

Today, I will submit to the insecurity and have faith that I can live through the process and grow.

I can choose to do that; it is within my control.

My daughter ( a Sr. in college), is traveling on the East coast.  She was supposed to fly back to her college hometown tomorrow, but texted me that a friend was able to drive her instead.  Would I be mad?  I actually prefer her driving because she was going to have to fly to Chicago for a layover.  Well, she has anxiety attacks, and the thought of her getting stuck in an airport for 8 hours or more, well…would end up with me having anxiety over her situation.  I can’t control her decision, and thankfully I am aware of this.  Luckily, this time we have the same conclusion.  But, what if we didn’t?

Controlling kicks in.  I tell her what I want; she disagrees.  I try manipulation, scare-tactics, common sense, and anything else that would yield the result I want to SEE.  THAT is controlling.

I realize ultimately, GOD is in control over everything.  I have the illusion that in my every day life, the choices I make give me control.  If I look too far forward, or focus too much on the past, it takes me out of this VERY and ONLY present moment.  I am grateful to be aware of the illusion of control.  Just for TODAY.

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Filed under Daily Challenges, Reality Based

Life Changes

A mere dream in 1997, has become our reality.  After a first visit to New Orleans, and spending much time here over the last 16 years, we have finally purchased a home.  It is moving week, from the house we leased for a year to be sure we liked it here as much as we thought.

Living in the residential area of the F.Q is fantastic.  I love being able to just walk everywhere.  I love seeing the local people walking their dog.  It is even funny to watch the way too drunk person run into poles, as i peer from my balcony.

But, it is a life change, and brings with it fear of changes.  While we will still keep our house in TX as well, and split our time.  “My Life”, “My Friends”, are all in TX.  And, yet while here my creativity surges.  I feel alive, free-spirited, less responsible, almost a little guilty.

i am reminded of a favorite quote

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock Ellis smile

 

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Filed under Living In New Orleans, Reality Based