Tag Archives: mindfulness

A Tribute to Mom

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Control vs Controlling

Today, I will submit to the insecurity and have faith that I can live through the process and grow.

I can choose to do that; it is within my control.

My daughter ( a Sr. in college), is traveling on the East coast.  She was supposed to fly back to her college hometown tomorrow, but texted me that a friend was able to drive her instead.  Would I be mad?  I actually prefer her driving because she was going to have to fly to Chicago for a layover.  Well, she has anxiety attacks, and the thought of her getting stuck in an airport for 8 hours or more, well…would end up with me having anxiety over her situation.  I can’t control her decision, and thankfully I am aware of this.  Luckily, this time we have the same conclusion.  But, what if we didn’t?

Controlling kicks in.  I tell her what I want; she disagrees.  I try manipulation, scare-tactics, common sense, and anything else that would yield the result I want to SEE.  THAT is controlling.

I realize ultimately, GOD is in control over everything.  I have the illusion that in my every day life, the choices I make give me control.  If I look too far forward, or focus too much on the past, it takes me out of this VERY and ONLY present moment.  I am grateful to be aware of the illusion of control.  Just for TODAY.

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Filed under Daily Challenges, Reality Based

1:55 AM-on the deaf subject

I just read up on Derrick Coleman, and I must say I am quite impressed.  I am deaf.  I have bi lateral cochlear implants, that were activated 2 years ago exactly.  The journey has been stressful, frustrating, lonely, happy, funny, and exhausting.  What I love about Derrick, is he hasn’t allowed his hearing disability to define him.  HE IS GOING TO BE IN THE SUPERBOWL!  GO DERRICK!

It is HARD to be deaf in a hearing persons world.  But, LIFE is fucking hard sometimes!  I can throw a really damn good pity party, but in all honesty I am better off than many “hearing” people.  I worked for years in counseling, and MOST of the time, people didn’t know i was severely hearing impaired unless I told them.  I adjusted by reading body language, lip reading, and pretending a lot! (LOL).  When my hearing suddenly worsened, and I just couldn’t fake it anymore, it did begin to affect my life.  One tends to socialize less and avoid loud places-which cuts out lots of restaurants.  And, i don’t know about other “hard of hearing” people, but when i still had my hearing, i tended to “like” people with loud voices better than those with soft voices!  I found myself making a judgment call based on voice pattern and tone! 

But, guess what?  Getting cochlear implants did NOT make or break my life. I traded in any residual hearing I had for zero.  So, for all the technicality and deaf culture issues and debtate over the cochlear shit, I AM DEAF.  When i do not have them attached to my skull by their magnetic force, i can not HEAR a thing.  Not my own voice.  Not my own heart beat. Not a cry for help, Nor a barking dog warning me of danger. 

When talking on the phone is not an option, one tends to feel very blessed for the great invention of “texting”.  It truly does become  a main communication source.  Closed Captioning makes or breaks watching something on TV.  And slapping those magnetic, magic and heavy implants on your skull every day, can be a pain in the ass.  It is not just about putting on a pair of glasses.  You gotta charge the batteries every night, attach the batteries, before placing the cochlears on.Deal with throbbing skull points from magnets on your brain.  There are “mapping” issues, and remote issues, and noise issues, and some sounds are just always going to now just be noise.  Nothing more; Nothing less.  The artificial sounds and extra stimulation that hearing people learn to “tune out” are amplified and extreme when one has cochlear attached.  But, guess what?  When i am on a plane, and a screaming baby is next to me, i pop my magnets off, and I hear NOTHING.  Pretty nice, huh?  When the TV is so loud and I am the only once cringing, I pop those babies off, and bask in the quiet.  Why bitch about a loud TV?

Life is not right nor wrong.  Not Good or Bad.  I can choose to make it my enemy or make it my Bitch.  And, on some days, I am THE Bitch.  The End.

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3 A.M

I found my joy again.  A simple meditation, asking GOD to reveal to me why I was stuck, taking two steps forward, 3 steps back, STUCK.  Sure, i have had reasonable excuses…health issues, overcoming obstacles that felt like cement bridges.  But, at the end of the day, when I listened for that answer the voice whispered “you have lost your joy”.  I knew it to be true.  So, i went to work.  I identified the words for me that I associate with JOY.  They are words, and as simple as they seem, I certainly had lost them.  Gave up.  Allowed depression to be a crutch.  Allowed health issues to be an obstacle.  What wasted time!  So, for the past 5++ weeks now I have refocused.  I have turned my attention to JOY.  Finding JOY, listening for JOY, Seeking JOY, determined not to lose it again, or allow it to be slowly sucked from my being.  It takes mindfulness still.  But if I continue to seek energy, creativity, awareness, being playful, enjoying or cultivate laughter, nurturing friendships, dare to be daring, feeling or being amused, or fascinated, being outdoors, working in the yard, pulling weeds,  or being sexy…..All things that bring me joy. 

And, i have put this to the test.  I have been able to endure more aggravation, or problems of others, and still remain joyful. 

I am grateful for the whisper to my answer.  Perhaps you would like to comment if this helps you or if you have had a similar experience?  Comments welcome! 


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