Tag Archives: spirituality

Waiting on ” That Call”

This is about parenting an addict- so, if you have that experience, you know “what call” I refer to.  It seems that most of 2014 was spent anticipating “that call”, praying for the best-preparing for the worst, lovingly detaching as a means of self preservation, going to more of my own meetings, loving the person not the disease, and all the other usual addiction jargon.

My son (as mentioned before) is 31.  He was addicted to crack by the time he was 16.  He also had a dual diagnosis, so it made it just as difficult to tell if he was psychotic or had relapsed.  He is a master at manipulation.  He can charm you, out sell you, and talks so fast and so convincingly that most people will be swayed.  I still want to believe him.

I got a call on Christmas night.  One of only three directly from him.  The rest came as “news updates” from a girlfriend.  He told me he was sober, and was really trying.  He wants to prove to himself and to me that he can be all that GOD meant for him to be, as well as a son I could be proud of.  I let him do most of the talking, and for the next 3 weeks I have been updated to the trials and tribulations that he is facing in sobriety.  The biggest obstacle is finding housing since he was in jail so many times for possession.  He has always been lucky that way.  Seems to find the revolving door in jail.  Doesn’t seem so lucky in every day life.

I truly want him to find the serenity and peacefulness of sobriety.  I want him to have some “good luck” and for things to get easier somewhere along his path.  But, I can’t make it happen.  And, money only solves money problems.  It’s a fine line in believing and trusting him again.  I got a text yesterday that he was in the E.R after having a headache so severe the last 3 days he couldn’t tolerate it anymore.  I thanked for girlfriend for keeping me posted, and asked her to update me.  Haven’t heard a word.  Just prior to the hospital, he had sounded positive and upbeat, and thought they may be approved to live somewhere other than Motel 6.  And, then off the radar.  Again.  I am left wondering and waiting.

It is sad.  It is heartbreaking at times.  We “understand” death through dying.  But, when we lose people that are still alive because of drugs, it is a slow, painful, death to endure.  I have to focus on the good memories, and I am grateful for the ones I have.  If I focus on my daughter also losing her brother, and her sadness, that often makes the grieving harder.  To know how much my son has missed out on in everyone’s life, especially the past 2-3 years combined.

Pray. Listen. Quiet.Repeat.

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Dream Quote 2


Horses (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)


A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man’s mind can get both provocation and privacy.  ~Edward P. Morgan




Dreams are a big part of my life.  In large part, because I do not sleep much due to a condition called musical hallucinations.  So, it creates an abundance of stress, and actions on my part to distract myself as much as possible so the music in my brain does not totally drive me crazy…or crazier.  So, when i AM able to sleep and to dream, it is wonderful.  I have always loved dream interpretation  and lucid dreams,, and writing down my dreams.  Many, Many times, my dreams are a premonition of something soon to happen.  I have visitors when I dream at times, and have learned to welcome the knowledge I gain through dreams.   I love the exhilaration of power when we believe in ourselves enough to know we can make our dreams come true.  I believed enough that “one day” i would own a Horse.  Everyone was “yeah, they are too expensive, too much upkeep, blah, blah blah”,For far too many years, I gave up on my dream and listened to others fears.  Until one day I chose to listen to my dream.   Last year, i attended a habitat for horses and adopted my first horse ever.  I was 48.  I spent 4-5 days easily out at the stable for 4++ hours at a time.  I was in pure selfish heaven.  I saved this horse, learned about her, and built our trust.  She has been a treasure in my life, but has turned out to be a reason or a season dream.  I must relinquish her in part to some health issues.  It has been devastating.  But the blessing was the time I had her, our lessons we learned together on the trail, and to carry out a dream.  Happy trails.


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Quiet Time

I attended a meditation workshop led by Father Bill W.  He built this workshop based more on his experience and studies of The Oxford Group than the founders of AA and the twelve steps.  I learned many things I did not know.  One being that back in the Oxford Group days, they said without prayer and meditation one could not stay sober.  Over the years the change in meaning was more implied that without meetings, one could not stay sober.  The results prove otherwise.

We were walked through an exciting concept to incorporate into our lives regarding our meditation practice.  One that requires a little more commitment, a little more time, but seems to yield some amazing insight.  To hold a sacred spot for this time, to center with my breath, to read a scripture or other reading material that I find inspiring.  And, then to WRITE to my higher power (I choose to call GOD) a question, a worry, a concern, guidance.  And to sit and listen for HIS VOICE to answer.  How will I know if it is HIS voice or my own?  If it is pure, honest, loving, and authentic.  I will have an answer.  What if i don’t know?  Write what my mind says to write.  To commit.  To DO.  30 days.  And to have a buddy or a small group that I share my writings and answers with.  Personal Risk Taking at its best.  What a gift to receive information like this.  Another tool I can use to center, to stay balanced, to work my program, to be a better person, to fulfill my goal of being of service to others.  Just for Today.

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We have all heard the “Fuck everything and RUN” or the “False Events Appearing Real” for the word FEAR.  What is your first impulse to migrate to when you are in FEAR MODE?  And what are your triggers for FEAR?

I am having my old pattern behavior toward this, which happens to be the first.  I know that it is my old stinky thinking, and yet there is a WARNING light that flashes in my head ad says “Self, perhaps you should listen to this”.  I am BIG on intuition.  But, this feels more like just real FEAR.  I am going to focus on prayer and meditation about it, because I know when doing so, if my answers are Pure and HONEST, i can use that.  Rationalizations on the other hand are just signs that my EGO is in self protect mode, and why get deeper into anything.  Get out NOW.  Stay tuned, or feel free to post any comments on how you deal with FEAR IN YOUR LIFE.

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