Waiting on ” That Call”

This is about parenting an addict- so, if you have that experience, you know “what call” I refer to.  It seems that most of 2014 was spent anticipating “that call”, praying for the best-preparing for the worst, lovingly detaching as a means of self preservation, going to more of my own meetings, loving the person not the disease, and all the other usual addiction jargon.

My son (as mentioned before) is 31.  He was addicted to crack by the time he was 16.  He also had a dual diagnosis, so it made it just as difficult to tell if he was psychotic or had relapsed.  He is a master at manipulation.  He can charm you, out sell you, and talks so fast and so convincingly that most people will be swayed.  I still want to believe him.

I got a call on Christmas night.  One of only three directly from him.  The rest came as “news updates” from a girlfriend.  He told me he was sober, and was really trying.  He wants to prove to himself and to me that he can be all that GOD meant for him to be, as well as a son I could be proud of.  I let him do most of the talking, and for the next 3 weeks I have been updated to the trials and tribulations that he is facing in sobriety.  The biggest obstacle is finding housing since he was in jail so many times for possession.  He has always been lucky that way.  Seems to find the revolving door in jail.  Doesn’t seem so lucky in every day life.

I truly want him to find the serenity and peacefulness of sobriety.  I want him to have some “good luck” and for things to get easier somewhere along his path.  But, I can’t make it happen.  And, money only solves money problems.  It’s a fine line in believing and trusting him again.  I got a text yesterday that he was in the E.R after having a headache so severe the last 3 days he couldn’t tolerate it anymore.  I thanked for girlfriend for keeping me posted, and asked her to update me.  Haven’t heard a word.  Just prior to the hospital, he had sounded positive and upbeat, and thought they may be approved to live somewhere other than Motel 6.  And, then off the radar.  Again.  I am left wondering and waiting.

It is sad.  It is heartbreaking at times.  We “understand” death through dying.  But, when we lose people that are still alive because of drugs, it is a slow, painful, death to endure.  I have to focus on the good memories, and I am grateful for the ones I have.  If I focus on my daughter also losing her brother, and her sadness, that often makes the grieving harder.  To know how much my son has missed out on in everyone’s life, especially the past 2-3 years combined.

Pray. Listen. Quiet.Repeat.

The Awe of Recovery

Oscar Wilde once wrote that “Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life.” My experience over the past 14 years in working with recovery , being in recovery, relapsing in recovery,  proves to me that there’s some truth to his observation – life is often stranger, just as interesting, just as surprising, and just as exciting as fiction.  I checked out a fellow Blog yesterday (part of BLOG 101 homework); and left a comment.  And, as @MichelleW indicated, it did make me think more.  Here is the link http:\\attheroomsproject.org

The Cat Is BACK

This cat is special.  Seriously.  I think I can convince  you why this (TRUE)  story is interesting enough to read

Parenting An Addict

My son is 31 and a recovering addict.  He has been an addict since the age of 15.  My jaw still drops some when I realize more than half his life WE have battled addiction.  I am a cancer survivor, and in my opinion, I almost prefer it.  Perhaps, because it is me, and not watching on the sidelines as your child self-destructs.  Perhaps….

2:54 AM-brownies in the oven

I once had someone tell me if I was really craving chocolate, but was really trying not to eat it, to make a batch of brownies.  And, if by the time i stirred the batter, baked them, and they cooled off; if i was still craving to dig in.  Well, they are out of the oven, but the smell has made me a little nauseous. I guess that’s the good part. 

Awake still, and a little tired of watching “Modern Family” re runs.  Although i have laughed a lot, which I LOVE to do.  Even if I am alone with my dogs.  They only occasionally look at me like I have lost my marbles.  I am sorry, but that show is hilarious!  How can someone NOT laugh at that show?

On a non laughing matter, on the BIG SCREEN, I went to the movie last night.  I am thrilled to be able to go and use the closed caption fish devise they have.  Luckily, they don’t have the “glasses” at this theater (prior blog).  But, saw AUGUST:OSAGE COUNTY.  Now, I did laugh.  There were some really funny parts, and great lines.  I think from a screen play adaptation, they probably did a mighty fine job on this movie.  Of course Meryl Streep was phenomenal.  As was everyone, I thought.  However, this movie certainly brought up family dynamic issues.  Especially if you have personally experienced anything close to that type of situation.  And, I am beginning to believe we all have.  I actually gasped at the first scene with Meryl Streep and the grey, chemo hair, and her drugged out self.  She looked way to similar to my sister, who at the age of 53 was dying and was, well in a very drugged out state as well.  In fact, the “list” of her prescription drugs her husband verbalized all sounded quite familiar.  It hasn’t been quite 3 years, so that got the emotions rolling right from the beginning.  

Factor in the 3 sisters “dynamics” and I felt like “WOW, this could have been me and my 2 sisters” at pretty much any given time. Or, at least up to almost 3 years ago.  It was a moving flick.  Seeing it with two of my oldest and dearest friends, and being able to laugh and cry in a nearly empty theater stadium made it perfect. 

Well, here in TX we are being told to anticipate a snow sleet early morning.  It is now after 3 AM, but temps are still in the 40’s.  Our weather forecasters here get it wrong most of the time.  I guess i can open the windows to let this smell out of the house.  Damn brownies!